Double Take

I look a lot like my mother.  At one point in time after she died, my dad and I went out to eat at their country club where the two of them used to go and eat with friends.  One of her friends audibly gasped when she saw me with my dad, the similarities were that obvious.  I have done the same when passing a mirror.  

That being said, I don't always favor my mother.  My brother Matt, used to favor her a lot.  He has the long lankiness that she did in years gone-by.  My nephew, Aaron, though over 6'3" also has facial features that remind me of Mom.  Sometimes, when I grow out my hair I look less like my mother.  I have had short hair for a while and in my life, many times.  After Mom died, I refused to get the short hair that I wanted as a courtesy to my dad, knowing that if he looked at me, he would certainly see my Mom.  Given the amount of care I was giving to him, I didn't want those lines blurred.  I have darker skin than Mom and tan more easily, I tan VERY easily.  I also have my father's deep set eyes.  Mom didn't have those bags that I now carry.  Because I was a smidgen taller, I had longer fingers.  That drove her crazy that I was taller by an inch.  She was quite competitive in just about everything.

We did, though, both have scoliosis, mom had migraines in her earlier life, and at a few points in time, we both wore the same size.  I, of course, got larger and she started shrinking.  

We have some personality characteristics similarities as well.  Mom and I both love(d) color though we didn't love the same colors.  She had a talent for making a room look like a magazine spread.  We both love the creative endeavors and stage performances.  We both loved playing games; she was competitive though and I just loved the togetherness.  Both of us loved to read and we both needed glasses.  Both of us could be perceived as "bitchy" as we were a little too direct for many peoples taste.  Maybe that was lack of female influence in our lives, I don't know.  

There were some quite obvious differences between us, though.  Mom, from about 1976 onward (when she married Bud) was always concerned about what other's thought. I think as she got older it became even more of an issue. I think this was when her Borderline Personality Disorder began.  While I do like having friends, I think that Mom was a bit preoccupied with keeping up.  She liked the perception to be that she had money.  She was nosey about what Glen and I had and we were/are extremely private about that.  Mom was manipulative and controlling and I am more apt to let go of things, I hope.  If I cannot, I talk to Glen about them and usually that sets things in balance.  My mom was a self confessed gambler.  She told me she lost their "fortune" in the stock market twice, with losses near millions.  I am a sit and wait kinda girl, way less impulsive.  Mom had real talent when it came to decorating and cooking, but she lost interest in the latter. Mom was often insensitive to others feelings, she would lose friends in a heartbeat and not know why.  I lose friends, too, but not in the same way.  I am so desperate to have that long term friendship, I am more apt to fail to recognize that some friends are only for a season.  

So, yes, I am in so many ways LIKE my mother.  I am not, however, my mother and I refuse to become the woman that she was.  I will continue to pray that God's grace stay with me to keep me strong in the pull to the darkness that my mother succumbed to: BPD and self absorption. I thank God for the gift of my mother and all that I have learned both positive and negative while I hope to be mindful that my life is a gift from God and what I do with it is my gift back to God.