Oops!

 Well I have been poring my heart out on this blog with hopes to work through whatever:

a.  makes me have chronic pain (particularly in my back)

b. creates an appetite that is basically hard to control

c.  keeps me from doing what I love the most.

In doing so, I have bared some of my feelings about things in my past.  This is what "the work" demands.  As you know, if you read my previous posts from this week, it has been making me sad.  Duh.  Unearth your most unpleasant memories and yes, you feel raw, angry, vulnerable, sad, exposed.  I have spent years covering up those feelings and memories, so why shouldn't I be sad.

This morning I went in to see my pain doctor.  Yes, this is another area where I am similar to my mother.  I was going in for my second RFA --radio frequency ablation.  This is where electricity is used to burn nerves that are stimulated enough to give significant pain.  I have had numerous, maybe five or six, epidurals where a corticosteroid is injected to help provide relief.  That wasn't working so here we are today, going a step further.  The first one was for L3, L4, L5 on the right side, today was the left.

Last week I went for a physical and my new primary care physician told me my blood pressure was a little high.  When I had received the first RFA about 11 days ago it was high then, too.  Today I wanted to try to mitigate that and I have always felt that when I meditate, my blood pressure is lower.  Arriving early enough, I sit in my car to meditate about 10 minutes before heading up to the doctor's office.  It is in the beginning stages that I remember that the purpose of meditation is to learn to let go.  I had been faithfully meditating for about six weeks before Easter when I abruptly stopped, no known reason. So now I know what has been missing, I haven't been meditating to let go of all these unearthed feelings.